Dum Dee Dum... I am not a super hero neither am i spiderman. I am going to save the world... like as if you would believe. I am a maniac. I came from an outer space which is filled with water. I learn swimming at the age of zero.I wail like a cry baby. I crawl like spiderman, i fly like superman, i drive like batman. I live in wonderland. Rugrats is my friend, so is peter pan.
it wasn't meant to blame anyone for leaving me. when i say i don't have friends, it was a reflection on what i gave up. so if there shld be blames, it will be mine solely.
to friends who are still with me: i didn't mean u guys k. i appreciate all that you went thru with me, juz being there for me. it's a rough time. esp to shiyi, yea it's always de same shit. but i appreciate that ur always there k. anyway u know i would do de same for u anytime, even if i dont agree with ur choices like u do with mine.
sometimes i juz dont know what to say or dont wish to say and i start to hide. i know i'm not always by de phone or com wheneva frens start looking for me like a fren shld be. but this is how i am.
to put simply, whateva is lost, i know i gave them up, so i'm not blaming anyone but me. whateva i still have, i appreciate. i might not say, but trust u guys will know.
i miss de old days and all the people i used to have so much fun with. i still remember and i always will. perhaps one day our paths will cross again. in the meantime, i will try to learn to be a betta friend.
xx signed off at 1:15 AM
Sunday, February 19, 2006
is there anyone out there who can hear me?
upon waking up, i realized it does hurt.
i wanted to go somewhere, probably juz to run away from this, so that i wont sms him or anything. there's no point since he wants to leave right?
guess i hv to learn to pick up the pieces alone. i refuse to cry. i refuse to think back. but it hurts so much all de same.
i juz keep telling myself to be strong.
i scroll thru my phonebook, and realized i dont really have alot of friends anymore. maybe i dont have anything anymore.
where do i suddenly find friends?
xx signed off at 1:35 PM
Friday, February 17, 2006
enough of ur shit
my past 3 valentines day - quarrels, quarrels and more quarrels. slamming doors, shouting matches.. and of coz, tears, tears and more tears.
this yr as de tears silently fell, i felt this absolute exhaustion. as expected, there was no effort watsoeva made on his part. no flowers, no presents, no arrangements, not even a card n no apology. rather, as usual, fell asleep when i was trying to talk to him. as per normal, i talked.. and.. silence.
oh of coz he later told me he will make an effort next yr. but.. i think he said that last yr.. n de yr b4?
i still rem i once said that valentines day is de saddest day of de yr n he told me with him, he will make me de happiest girl.
FUCK. oops mind my language.
no matter what excuses i always found for him, in reality, HE TREATS ME LIKE SHIT. n i had enough.
frm nw, as hard as it is, i muz learn to live for myself. someday my aching heart will heal, maybe de emptiness will still be there, but i shall stop allowing this crap. i still cry n cry but i will learn.
so my frens.. lend me ur hands n shoulders k?
xx signed off at 7:19 PM
Monday, February 06, 2006
you will never walk alone
So we lost 2-0 to Chelsea. Lost a goalkeeper. Devastating.
It was a pretty not bad start, too bad the ending wasnt great. But red card or not, I must say I really respect Reina for the way he single-mindedly tried to save that possible goal. In that not very inspiring 2nd half, I really saw his determination... and at least to me, that's touching. Passionate, like how soccer is to me. But the push wasn't necessary la.
Wateva it is, still lost, still upset, still love them. Truely hope Reina will be back soon and hopefully Dudek will prove himself this time.
xx signed off at 2:54 AM
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
it's impossible to be happy
the feeling of heartache, of a knife stabbing at where it hurts most, of tears rolling down, of self-loathe, of laughing at my own foolishness - all these has become all too familiar, juz like how strange happiness has become. a passer-by which went by some time too long ago to be more than a pale memory.
i can't really remember when was the last time i truely laughed too hard, when i truely felt free, when i looked forward to the next morning's sun.
one day, when i manage to fill my hand with scars, maybe then, i can truely be so numb and let everything go.
i don't really believe it's possible to be happy. like the idea of santa claus, it has become a far-fetched tale to me. at its best, i am thankful of what life has given me - family, friends, air, but i juz cant imagine me ever happy. not ever.
every step has become a chore, i wish i can stop walking. can i? i hate this feeling of pain, so intoxicating till even a million cuts can't take it away. i never wish for happiness, that is too much. i only wish for peace. sometimes even that, seems too difficult to achieve.