Dum Dee Dum... I am not a super hero neither am i spiderman. I am going to save the world... like as if you would believe. I am a maniac. I came from an outer space which is filled with water. I learn swimming at the age of zero.I wail like a cry baby. I crawl like spiderman, i fly like superman, i drive like batman. I live in wonderland. Rugrats is my friend, so is peter pan.
SICK!! omfg today alone during my job, kena asked for number AGAIN n another one told me something abt 'getting hard', 'wanna shoot' etc. you get de point.
goddamn it man! i am so not working in a chatline n def not a sexline so FUCK OFF man! am so totally n completely grossed out until i felt like vomiting. less den a mth, 3 ppl asked for my no, 1 wanted to pick me up frm wk and today this pervert. shit man, cannot afford to call sex line or go geylang?
aahhh! this ppl shld learn hw to respect other ppl lor. am driving me crazy. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
horrible ppl. wat's with guys nowadays man!
xx signed off at 2:06 AM
Friday, June 24, 2005
regrets
regrets. this world is filled with them. i have been in relationships and found myself hoping for miracles each time i got hurt too deep. and at the end when the pain is no longer pain, i realized im ready to move on. and each time, at this time, i hear words telling me hw many things they didnt have time to do for me, hw long he's willing to wait or hw loved i will be. why wait till the end to say love or to treasure?
when time had seemed endless, why juz let that time go by? yeah its human, to treasure only when it seems lost. and we are filled with so much regrets.
so i hate promises. coz it only makes de pain worse when i see how convincingly each promise was made n den how conveniently forgotten.
n dont tell me abt regrets. becoz if given another chance, it would still be de same wouldnt it?
xx signed off at 11:01 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
reality
havent been blogging. would like to say i'm too tired, guess reality is i'm too lazy. not that i have much to say anyway.
am increasingly cynical abt humans in general. to those ppl whom i listen to everyday, i am trying to help. simple. period. whats the point of making a huge fuss, refusing to clarify the facts or listen to explanations? juz rem, what goes ard will come ard.
miss my bro. gosh its been more den a yr without him alrdy.. when is he eva gonna come home n make life difficult for me, cook supper for me, watch horror movies with me, get drunk with me, lend me his shoulder n sing for me? juz got a letter frm him, at least know that he's still feeling ok. so in the end his gf left him. i still rem the crying girl juz over a yr ago, who told me eva so firmly that she will be waiting for his release. n the changed girl who told me some time ago, with or without him, life goes on. so this is love? thru thick n thin, happiness n sadness? bullshit.
well imo, he will be betta off without her. true my bro made a mistake n paid his dues locked up faraway. but his soul, is one of the best i know. she doesnt deserve him. juz hope he's doing fine really.
am fast becoming a very disillusioned person. feel so sad for my bro... hope that where he is right now, he wont feel lonely or sad.
honestly i think i'm turning into a rather heartless person or so my mum tells me. perhaps somewhere in me, lies a lot of hatred i didnt know exist. havent seen my grandparents for yrs. recently was told to go visit my grandma in hospital n attend my grandpa's birthday as they are afraid this might be his last. feels nothing at all. didnt even wanna go. to me, i dont have grandparents. frm the day they chased us out when i was twelve, this word disappeared frm my life. dont hate them, but dont wish to pretend i care.
n my dad. de dad who wasnt there thru most parts of my life n who cant even make enough effort to meet me for a lunch or give me a ride home even though we only see each other once in mths after being separated for yrs. how come unlike in movies, he missed my growing up, yet does not seem interested in hw i grew up or hw i became? he once loudly proclaimed to his current wife's family, i'm not his daughter, juz a neighbour. frm den on, i no longer have a dad.
gosh, am i really so cold n so full of hatred? i think i need a shrink. haha or some sleep n a more peaceful job.
dont ask me why i'm so negative or why dont i believe in the magic of love. tell me, why shld i.
xx signed off at 2:25 AM
Sunday, June 12, 2005
wat i wore to de cinema (din know gonna watch movie) :( COLD!
xx signed off at 7:11 PM
unleashed
juz watched jet li's unleashed yesterday! omg i juz think he is like soooo cute in the show. he looks so man when he's fighting, yet so innocent when he got kissed. omg *in love...*
BUT the cinema was so FREAKING COLD!!! i was wearing sleeveless somemore ok.. best part is my fren not only refuse to lend me some sleeves, still can look so comfortable! !$#@$% poor me.. sob sob.. shivering there all by myself...
but all in all its a pretty gd show.. worth watching!
xx signed off at 7:09 PM
Thursday, June 09, 2005
the skin is my canvas
"self-injury is the act of attempting to alter a mood state by inflicting physical harm serious enough to cause tissue damage to one's body."
one of de best textbook definitions till date.
Who Self-Injures? Typically, the self-injurer is female, in her mid-20s to early 30s, and has been hurting herself since her teens. She tends to be middle- or upper-middle-class, intelligent, well-educated.
Why does self-injury make some people feel better? Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it (indeed, often do not have a name for it), and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling.
Aren't people who would deliberately cut or burn themselves psychotic? No more than people who drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka are. It's a coping mechanism, just not one that's as understandable to most people or as accepted by society as alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, anorexia and bulimia, workaholism, smoking cigarettes, and other forms of problem avoidance.
Suicide? Self-injury is a maladaptive coping mechanism, a way to stay alive. People who inflict physical harm on themselves are often doing it in an attempt to maintain psychological integrity -- it's a way to keep from killing themselves. They release unbearable feelings and pressures through self-harm
Any attempts to reduce or control the amount of self-harm a person does should be based on the person's willingness to undertake the difficult work of controlling and/or stopping self-injury. Treatment should not be based on a practitioner's personal feelings about the practice of self-harm.
Adapted: http://www.focusas.com/SelfInjury.html
xx signed off at 10:21 PM
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
tired.
man i hate morning shift. can some kind soul pls juz put me in de afternn shift?!?!
1. i cant wake up
2. i am tired
3. i cant hit quota
why is this happening to me? :(
today's my collegue's last day... so one kind of sad can.. haiiizzz we all started on de same foot together and sent so much time with each other... now no mre liao so sad.. somemore she so nice still buy chocolates n teddy bear for me... :(
i really miss those training days ley... haiizz but time can never be reversed can it?
worst thing is, i think im getting fatter. AHHHHHHH!!!!
and, i spent hours suntanning in sentosa on sunday n wat happened? a friend i haben met for months or yrs told me on monday, "eh u seem whiter liao hor?" AHHHHHHHHH!!!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??
there no hope in this world.
xx signed off at 7:15 PM
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
one of the worst days of my life
its one of those day i juz wish the whole fucking world can fucking leave me alone.
first it started off with the job. to the bitch who complained abt every fucking thing and refused to listen to explanations, refused to leave a contact number, refused to let me chk wat i can do to help and juz knew to scold n scold, I AM SO NOT INTERESTED IN ENTERTAINING YOU EITHER! damn bitch, made me work 45mins extra, waste my damn time, i wish u juz fall down de drain or something!
for the first time, i began to hate my job. one such customer everyday, i'll be de 4th out of our 10 ppl to resign. i simply dont understand, whats de point of making life difficult for ppl who are plaining try to get the facts right. WITHOUT CHKING N GETTING ANY FACTS, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO OFFER A SOLUTION!?!??!?! well, what goes ard comes ard. i damn despise such ppl. they muz be the reason why there are even murder cases in this world.
and den the first person i turned to, have to tell me two bad news in a row after hearing my angry tale. ARE GUYS INSENSITIVE OR PLAIN BRAINLESS?!!? wtf man. den ask me 'why u sound so sian' 'aiya next time u nt happy betta dun call me'. FINE man. this will so be the damn last time i will even bother to tell you any ANY thing abt my life.
friends, lovers alike. is there really only happiness to share? u mean the relationships fostered are so pathetic, its not even worth anyone trying to offer a ear, a shoulder or juz a fucking pat on the back?
this world is a sad sad place man. and all the ppl in my life whom i care abt, serve to make my life a bigger hell den it really is. fuck it man really. why shld i eva care.
xx signed off at 7:23 PM
Monday, June 06, 2005
this word called love.
ppl used to tell me.. a woman in love always looks de most radiant. hw do i feel nothing but pain? i juz dont wish to feel anything, yet it seems de most difficult of all.
hw am i ever gonna get out of this n be happy again?
xx signed off at 10:11 PM
my latest buy! lee jiu zhe omg love his voice! it's like de first original cd (non china version) that i've bought it yrs. it's been so long since i felt someone is so gd i'm MUZ get the original. way to go man... *meltz*
xx signed off at 2:27 AM
the view frm bora bora in sentosa today
xx signed off at 2:18 AM
Sunday, June 05, 2005
无能为力
我紧闭双眼屏住呼吸 根本就不敢在夜里想你...
我流乾眼泪不能呼吸 我无法面对最後这个结局
曾经我们有过无数话题 爱到最後我们对爱竟会无能为力
爱没有继续...
谁会想到曾经相爱的人 还未到最後 我们已经对爱
无能为力
(stole a few meaningful sentences frm hin's song)
nice song... first time i heard it i almost cried :p '我无法面对最後这个结局' this is like so apt now. prob de reason why i chose to do nothing abt my situation nw, is simply that i dont wish to face the reality that things have to end this way... or maybe i cant.
i feel the pain like a random rhythm... increasing, decreasing, feels nothing and it goes on. i dont want to think abt it in de day, dont dare to think abt it during the night.
hw can something which felt so right turn out so wrong? hw can ppl juz change so much n so fast? dont tell me this is reality coz if it is, i will never know what to believe in again.
xx signed off at 3:28 AM
Saturday, June 04, 2005
supper
juz came back frm supper... :( ok i know i'm fat n i ought to be shot for eating supper n i'm highly likely to die at de age of 40, an old n lonely SPINSTER. yea yea yea i know so dont rub it in.
met a fren n had some discussion abt funny ppl in de world, or rather our world. lol two disillusioned girls we are, trying to figure out why ppl cant juz behave normally or maybe we are juz abnormal.
we have guys asking girls to dinner n asking to girl to pay herself, guys asking girls to care for him n scolding her for it later, frenz who disappears over a few miserable ten dollars, ex classmates calling up to loan money etc... is this wat all this world is abt nw?
i profess to be a lost individual n i know i hate facing reality. but i do believe in being at least reasonable n have some pride urself n have respect for ur frenz... no?
i truely believe theres no more gd guys in this world... if there are, they muz be either dead gay or simply married. or are we juz unlucky? maybe its bad karma frm the prev life. when i found myself so impressed when male collegues actually opens de cab door for me, i realized i muz be very disillusioned.
i dont believe in love, so dont tell me u'll love me as i am, i dont have to change, u'll always be there for me, u do appreciate all that i do for you or simply u understand. coz that's a truckload of bullshit.
dont break a promise n den preach trust to me.
dont scold de shit out of me for caring den tell me u need me.
dont tell me you dont have nothing to say to me anymore den ask me why i no longer wait for your calls.
dont tell me sorry den do de same ten times over.
dont make me cry den wipe away my tears.
dont make me turn away den try to pull me back.
dont drop my hand den ask me why i no longer hold your arms.
dont say de most cruel words den tell me you din mean it.
dont hurt me den ask me why i no longer cry.
becoz it takes away that little bit of faith i have left and perhaps if u understood, maybe u'll know that things can never be simple again.
i dont need nothing anymore.. juz let me retain watever sanity i have left and have peace.
xx signed off at 3:05 AM
Friday, June 03, 2005
my needs
firstly i muz say, i cant believe i grad thru my training. but i din feel happy at all... we started with 5girls den i'm de only left to grad by myself n de guys. no nothing is wrong with those guys but u know.. we spent almost everyday together n gossiped over so many things... i miss them already.
as a full time labourer who talks non stop de whole day abt bills bills n more bills to ppl in serious denial who cannot accept that FACT THAT THEY DO TALK ALOT ON THEIR FONE = HUGE BILLS, i have some needs.
1. FRIENDS. no let me rephrase, young energetic friends. in recent yrs i realize my frens are all abt my age and all abt as nua as i am. being damn bored n stressed at work n whr love is concerned, i need someone to influence me with some energy and maybe go clubbing or somewhere with bright lights n alcohol so that i can forget. yeah forget = dont think. will be good.
2. MONEY. yea yea i know everyone needs money but i realized next two weeks i'm on 8am shift!!! SHIT! after being so used to slping into de noon i need someone to donate some cab fare to me. serious.
3. HOBBIES. despite being so caught up at work n all.. i realized i still have alot of spare time. like now.. i'm so free that i'm blogging -_-". i need to have something to consume my xtra time so i wont think of anything else.
4. AIRCON. my goddamn lousy aircon is so killing me that i cant slp! aint an aircon supposed to be COLD?@!?!! why am i so damn hot??
5. URM.. GERRARD? haha i am like so totally mesmerized by gerrard's performance in de lvp final match!! can i juz like meet him?!?! even thou i know i cant understand his accent anyway.. but juz meet him... pls...
6. COMPANION. oh man i really wanna go altivo at mt faber take a look n have a drink so can someone who doesnt mind taking a cab there n who wont complain how inaccessible it is JUZ FREAKING GO WITH ME?!?!?!
i know it aint x'mas.. but santa.. r u listening??
xx signed off at 1:40 AM
Thursday, June 02, 2005
in all tiredness...
according to my collegues, i've answered around 80 calls today!!! haha shocking shocking! honestly how is that possible... and i still have my voice? incredible.
i am like so darn tired today. my ass feels numb frm hrs of sitting on that same chair, my back feels like it's abt to snap into two parts, my arms are aching and i swear my hair looks like the bristles on an old n worn out broom.
honestly, work really takes away a huge part of life... i havent even met yee like for a few weeks and she's like the fren i see the most often.. so not to mention de rest of the peeps.
oh yeah.. there's this roxy skirt i so totally love!! 75 bucks. any sugardaddies out there? lol
xx signed off at 1:29 AM
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
reality
the fact is, i dont wish to face reality. am trying hard to numb all feelings... but somehow tears fall so easily, esp each night.
i remembered the beginning, and dont wish to face the end. perhaps i dont understand love, maybe i never really knew how to love.
i feel colder each day... not sure if it is becoz i'm trying to hard to get used to your absence or trying too hard not to care.
honestly, i dont wish to feel anything. i dont need happiness, dont need sweet words, dont need a shoulder to lean on anymore... i dont want anything. i juz want to stop crying.
but i remember all the words u once told me, how safe u made me feel. you always told me to stop dreaming, but you never knew it was you who gave me dreams.
i watched as u walk further away... going after your very own dreams... and your world slowly excluded my presence. i remember all the painful words that hurt me... i remember how i felt like i couldnt breathe.
i'd wanted you to believe in love... to heal the pain u once seemed so burdened with. i never counted on losing my faith in love... or possible happiness. becoz it was you who taught me happiness was possible... and you who took them all away.
you once told me to always remain who i am... for thats de girl u loved. but it is you who tried so hard to change me now.
i may be deep in denial, but i can feel my heart slowly close. each day it hurt a little less... each day i learnt to take another step back. i'm tired.. really tired. it was a long journey.
perhaps one day when u have all de status n money that u tried so hard to get... u'll finally look back on what u threw away.
i'm lost... and honestly do not want to talk abt it. i hate questions and questioning looks. how can i explain myself when i dont even have de answers?