Dum Dee Dum... I am not a super hero neither am i spiderman. I am going to save the world... like as if you would believe. I am a maniac. I came from an outer space which is filled with water. I learn swimming at the age of zero.I wail like a cry baby. I crawl like spiderman, i fly like superman, i drive like batman. I live in wonderland. Rugrats is my friend, so is peter pan.
how shld i start writing my story... when i can't understand it myself?
i stared at myself in the mirror.. momentarily not able to recognise the stranger staring back at me. these two years... it left me strapped of energy.. so waned, i forgot what happiness had smelled like.. or felt like.
i felt like as if i had been trying to balance myself on a thin string.. one between love and hate, between commitment and freedom, between sanity and insanity.
i used to believe that love and hate are two opposites, each residing at one extreme end.. only now, i've learnt how close they actually are. how can you be so sure, it's one and not the other? i can't.
loads of ppl asked me, "so what do you really want now?"... of that, i really don't know. or can i juz say.. i wish i can continue sleeping till everything goes away?
everyday, i feel only semi-concious. i meet alot of ppl, we laugh and buy things. i smoke, drink and get drunk.. but i can't seem to really immerse myself in what's going on.. or off. rather, everyday is a new set of blurry images.
yeah i guess i'm depressed... having been let down once more. i remember i once said that i've failed once and i'm scared... because i don't know if i can stand up again the next time i fall. i remember saying it's not gonna be easy with me... i carry too many wounds with me.. and i don't know how to trust. he reassuringly told me to open my heart to him... because he will always hold my hands.. no matter how difficult.. and show me that life isn't as dark as i see it. up till now, i still can hear his voice over the phone.. telling me all that.
funny now, i can't even remember the number of times he turned away and left me alone to sink. each time i sank deeper.. i truely wonder why have i allowed myself to sink like this again.. and which fool would believe the same crap a 2nd time round? me.
somewhere in my subconsious... i can hear a voice telling me to juz end it. one vertical cut.. that's all it takes! yet it takes more courage to die den to live on.
i have never felt more let-down or alone or worthless in my life, juz like i have never opened my doors and explained the scars my childhood left on me. it's a pain i rather deny.. a hatred i rather forget. skeletons i rather keep in the closet. all de same.. i found myself letting him in slowly. sadly, like what the past showed me.. his promise too, did not withstand the test of time and faith.
i cried alone when his family trampled all over me.. cried alone when his cruel words stabbed me.. cried alone when the pain was too much.. cried alone when i could no longer understand who i was or am.
honestly.. other den sleeping, i don't know what else there is to do. i know i'm trying to run away.. yeah i am. it's this feeling of betrayal, of humiliation, of such utter disappointment that i want to hide from. it's also myself.. i guess.. that i really can't stand facing.